Due to overwhelming demand, I’ve taken it upon myself to start a column for those seeking inspiration and creative advice. A Muse. I truly sense there is a genuine need for this sort of artistic encouragement, especially now in an increasingly 900-channels-on-cable-dependent society. I found my muse before it was too late, before I sold out for a job with steady pay and great perks. What I earn from my work only fellow artists know: Fulfillment. Satisfaction. Freedom. Of course even I must do what I must do every now and then to help pay the rent. But it is on MY TERMS.
And now, My Column. For people who seek creative expression in any and every way. Thank you.
Bella Hagen
Dear Bella,
Like many North Beach residents, I am loath to leave the neighborhood. It is the place where I have felt most at home, and most receptive to my Muse. As James Joyce had Dublin, and Claude Monet had Giverny, I have North Beach. Yet, of late, my inspiration has dwindled to a trickle. Some have suggested that I look elsewhere, in the hopes that new sights may provide new ideas, yet on those occasions when I venture outside, I only feel lost and afraid, and can hardly focus on hearing the voice of my Muse. What shall I do?
-rob.
Rob,
Ahhh… your’s is a question as old as North Beach itself. My favorite neighborhood does indeed seem to have some sort of lunar pull on all those who take up residence here. It is The Muse to all who walk its streets, whether it’s part of their daily routine or a rare night out in The Big City. Fact is, Your Muse North Beach has many calling on her for inspiration, and you’re going to have to be patient. There are many people besides yourself just begging her for creative stimulation. I’m doing my part with this column to lighten her load. If fact, I say this not just to you, but to all who visit the cafes of North Beach, waiting for Ms. Muse to magically move your pen across the page, unleashing your inner Kerouac: instead of asking "what can my muse do for me?", ask what can you do for your muse. Have you stood on a street corner and read a poem aloud recently, if for no other reason than to give someone else that unique memory? Climbed a tree in Washington Square Park to sing an aria? Left a trail of drawings on the sidewalk for others to ponder? WHY NOT?! I can’t do this by myself, you know! C’mon, people! Get out there and inspire others for a change, instead of waiting for your muse to knock on your door, hold your hand while spoon feeding you artistic genius. Get out there and do the inspiring! Thank you.
Bella,
as you are a Capricorn, who grew up in Las Vegas; with a show girl Mom, I’ve got to ask this serious question(s): What’s your take on Doubling down and the Cesars Palace Cocktail waitresses? This Pre-Post-NorthBeachian needs to know…
Anon Timothy Driscoll
Gentle Gambler,
I do try to hide it, but somehow my Capricornism always seems to seep into my art, and the intuitive understander (like yourself) always spots it. But let’s get down to the nitty gritty. Your keen observation can only be that of an artist: Doubling down and the Caesars Palace Cocktail Waitress have become synonymous in the American Psyche. It’s a natural human reaction (when Doubling Down to visualize a Goddess) and to fight the urge would be futile. As Artists, we must never, under any circumstances, fight our urges. Now for the history lesson: The term itself "Double Down" was the nickname of a Goddess who, in 1967 went on a week-long poker binge in Boulder City. When she lost all her money, she started wagering with other "assets" (and ended up on disability for months). The "Double Down" was born. This information should lead your future art in all sorts of sordid directions. I cannot wait to see what you create!
Dear Bella,
I recently received an invitation to appear on the latest "reality TV" show, "Donkey Cadavers Eye Pop Bonanza". Eighteen contestants spend a week living in a septic tank, and take it in turns to gouge the eyes out of a life-size mannequin of Hoss from Bonanza, whilst a fetid donkey corpse is repeatedly hurled at them. I feel that so-called "reality shows" are often very exploitative but this one feels different. There is also a prize of seven English pounds. What would you do?
Love and jam,
Hopeful from Brighton
Dear Hopeful,
First, a word of caution: Do not do it for the money. Never, ever do anything if your motivation is monetary reward, for it will only lead to misguided principles, drowning out the voice of your True Muse. I cannot even imagine being in a situation where there were any monetary reward for my art. But I am one of the lucky few. But back to your question. The concept of the show you describe is so visual, One can see it all now in one’s mind… You simply MUST go on this show, if only to learn if it lives up to its inspirational promise.
Dear Bella,
How does one tell one’s boyfriend that one is now engaged to his brother? Now we’re not talking about me here! We’re talking about my friend. Not me. My boyfriend’s brother (I mean my friend’s boyfriend’s brother) wants us to all go on Jenny Jones or Jerry Springer to talk about it. He thinks being on that show will give him a break into show business. It this a good idea? Please advise.
Sleeping with brothers.
I mean, my friend is sleeping with brothers.
Dear non-sleeper, Immediately, my first reaction to your letter is: what a fabulous abstract painting this would make! I see blues, deep sapphire blue, and greens. Oh yes, lots of greens. Do you paint? If no, I say you must! You simply must! The Art Store on Van Ness is always having a great sale on canvases. Forget brushes. This one calls for getting up to your elbows filthy greasy sticky messy in paint. Let me know how it goes. I will keep you in my meditations.
Dear Bella,
I can admit this to no one but a stranger. (And my mother. I’ve told my mother this.) My girlfriend likes to wear my clothes and act like me during sex. Not weird enough? She insists that I wear her clothes & act like her. I am a virgin without much (any) experience, but I watch the MTV so I know what sex should look like. This is weird, isn’t it?
Anonymous in my girlfriend’s sundress.
Dear Anonymous,
First, kudos to you for having such an imaginative girlfriend. Hang on to this one. Second, she likes to wear your clothes and act like you during sex — yet you yourself are a virgin. This leads me to believe the sex she has is with other people. But I’m wondering: since you "know what sex should look like" based on MTV viewing, I’m afraid that what you’re seeing is not really sex at all. I’ve always been vehemently opposed to MTV because of it’s highly inaccurate portrayal of the Love Act. But I’ll save that for another column. Perhaps Valentines Day. I could do a top ten list of The Most Uninspiring Lovers Depicted In Art. But I digress. I suggest you Make Love properly to your girlfiend tonight, for all the creativity she brings to your relationship, no! — your life. You can buy books that will instruct you on the ins and outs (so to speak) of coitus, et al. I suggest starting with the Kama Sutra, then work your way up. Be forewarned, the characters in the pictures will be nude. If it helps you to understand which one you should be, you might want to draw a colorful frock on the male partner. Now go to her.
Dear Bella,
I know this isn’t a question of advice, but rather of logic. If one hovers in a helecopter a few feet above the ground while the Earth turns beneath them, do they land in China in 12 hours?
Dear Dangling,
I’m curious: what INSPIRES you to visualize such a scenario? While I find your foray into the world of logistics charming, I believe your focus should be: "How would hovering in a helicopter a few feet above the ground while the Earth turns — and allow me to take creative license here and say that you DO make it to China — affect you artistically?" What then for you? Would you explore the exotic aromas, the mystic tongues, and the happening night spots of a new land? Even if you weren’t an artist before, I am certain such a life-changing event would point you in that direction. Now go, off ye to your nearest helecoptor pad. And make sure you’ve plenty of gas in it!
Dear Bella,
Is it natural to be sexually attracted to light bulbs? I just find them sexy. I cannot find light bulb porn on the internet anywhere. Is it really that odd?
Dear Illuminated, I think you are one of those few enlightened (pardon my pun) humans who recognized the true seductiveness the light bulb. Everyone talks about lighting, how IMPORTANT lighting is, blah blah blah. But few take it one step further and credit the light bulb, with it’s… um, bulbous shape, womanly curves, and masculine protrusions. there’s something there for everyone. And it comes in different colors. I would love to meet the visionary genius who lent such an open mind to the design of one of our truly great objets d’art. That said, sexual contact with a lightbulb can be downright dangerous. After it has been in use (for lighting purposes), it can be extremely hot and cause 1st degree burns. TRUST ME. And if you’re talking about BEFORE the lightbulb’s being used, trust me again, plugging in a still-moist lightbulb can be extraordinarily hazardous as well. I suggest you take your enviable passion and channel it into a nice poem.
Address your letters to Bella@Dombella.com